Cut

It doesn't feel right. It's not right for me to feel disappointed about it, but I still do. I want to avoid it like the plague. It's like something I don't feel comfortable even being in the vicinity of. Hate is too strong a word. I just....don't want to come in contact right now.

On another note, this will be the first time since that one in 2011 where I'll be watching it as a spectator. How strange. I don't even want to see it tbh. There's no emotional benefit in me watching it.

Reflackshun

It's been a chaotic week and it's only just started.

Yesterday I went non stop from 10am to 10:30pm, not including travelling time. Barely had time to eat but hey, monies and experience.

I've been exhausted these past few days, falling asleep before I mean to and before I finish the work I intend to do. At least today I managed to churn out a somewhat acceptable oral presentation with total probably 10 mins prep LOL. Averaged about 12/15 so yay. While Armour Sensei has 'interesting' opinions and teaching methods, I'm actually quite happy I'm taking this contextual course because it's reshaping my perspective on Japan, and I'm actually enjoying the classes a lot, compared to my previous non-language Arts classes.

On another note, much talks to Reese about work experience and staff professionalism/work ethic. The discussion provided a somewhat peace of mind, I felt reassured that my though process wasn't completely off track. And I was really grateful for the feedback he gave me, because I'd like to know what I can improve on in customer service, especially cos I like it.

I realised despite trying to keep my timetable freeish this sem for work etc, while I'm still doing XO work I can barely afford to fit another job in. It's one or the other... well we'll see what the raise looks like next week (realistically that's the one thing that might change my decisions...).

Something Joey once pointed out a long time ago is being reflected in my thoughts about a certain matter. (roughly paraphrased) Once something shatters the illusion, everything that person does annoys you. Yeah...

"An asshole is an asshole." - D&B Collab. LOL
(I could say a lot more but it's not worth it. I think the sentence pretty much sums it up. Also cos I don't want to care about it anymore so leaving it simply for my own sake is good too haha.)

It's going to be hard to meet up during uni breaks this sem, but I hope we can still make time for each other. It's been a strange few days, not having been able to see each other for long and just chill. But I'm getting used to it a lot quicker this sem than last. Or rather, I'm a lot more comfortable with where we stand with each other this sem. No confusion this time around :)

I should really chill more at the studio, stress and disillusionment is affecting my attitude both towards the idea of the studio and to Jaye... but I need to remember that in the end it's a job. And there's a certain level of respect and professionalism that needs to be maintained.

Hey LOL, don't want to sink to that level right?

On a brighter note, me and D will be performing at a wedding in a few weeks! ^_^ Really looking forward to it, not just because I've come to really like the couple, but also cos...yeah...couple dance...x3 Haha but in all seriousness I love weddings. They make me warm and fuzzy....occasionally teary...very frequently... And I don't get to go to many so being invited and getting to perform is rly nice ^^ Watching two people unite in mutual understanding that they make each other happy is a wonderful thing, and a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine (that sounds so weird....hahaha but don't know how else to describe it xP). But yes, EXCITED :D

nts: Kwan has to be at my wedding to catch the bouquet and get married soon and have many kids ;P

I hope Friday will turn out ok...Really just want a day to chill and stuff together. Get away from uni, and all that too. And I hope I can find parking in R's...hurr hurr #strongdriving

I should probably start thinking about where to hold the dinner with the Atoms. Actually not start, I already have but....where!?!?!?! so hard T_T Wondering if I should just take them to somewhere not too fancy and just enjoy the company. Wanna do NY Cafe but not sure if good dinner...?

Holy crap I'm going to be twenty and 3 weeks exactly.

HATACHI NI NACCHAUUUUUUUU!!!

Anyways I should be studying Astronomy rather than abusing the uni computers to blog lul.

BAAAAIIIIII~

.

Again, I've gone into a phase where I keep starting to write posts but after letting the feelings subside don't want to publish the half-finished post anymore.

A suitable title also fails to come as well.

Sitting at the studio right now, on the day of DS5. I'm very...-insert emotion that I can't describe- right now. To say tired would be oversimplifying it, to say upset would be victimising myself, to say pissed would be overstating how much I care.

I just really don't want to be here right now.

**If you're not going to help when you could be, then go home, or somewhere else. Don't sit here and complain about how crap the organisation is or how you're doing nothing.

note: I just noticed something, I smile in this really fake way when I'm trying to hide something or the fact I'm upset while trying to be nice and normal to people (especially unknowing people). Like I don't smile normally, instead smiling in a very straight line lol. and I squint my eyes. Or I close my eyes a lot. Whut, probs doesnt even make sense.

It was bad enough for Mark to notice even though we spoke to each other for only a minute or so. He got me a happy hippo cos apparently I looked like I needed one... -tears up-. And then when moving drink it got squished in my jacket pocket T_T But he gave me another one (without knowing about the squished one, I took that out after) cos he said I should have another one. And Terry said I look sick too. -sigh- I hate that I'm not subtle when I'm...'upset'.

I also just let out an exasperated scream and it hurt my throat...My voice is a bit gone from yesterday and now it hurts to talk too loudly.

You're having fun spiting me.

Anyway, ceebs continuing this. whatevs.

"Like the never-ending flow of a river"

This holiday which I was waiting for so much, that I wanted so desperately, it's just come and gone...well half gone. I can't believe there's only 3 weeks left. It's devastating. And to think there were so many things I wanted to get done these holidays...

The free time that has come with the end of exams has also prompted my idle mind to think about what I'm doing. Like, where I'm going, what I'm doing, where I want to be, where I actually am, what's important, who's important...and so on. Insecurities are bubbling and boiling over. What if I don't pass my courses, especially Chinese? What if I don't make and Jap unis for exchange, let alone I high ranking one (fat chance with my pending WAM for this sem...)? What if I can't find a proper-paying job soon, let alone one that relates to my future aspirations... what are my future aspirations even? What if something happens between us? What if one of us makes it and the other doesnt (namely me being the one who fails T_T)? What if the world ends tomorrow? (Not really but it's always a possibility right?) There's just...so much, both rational and irrational, that is on my mind and freaking me out. In the end there's only so much control you have over your life sometimes, and I know that sounds like an excuse for not trying but...no it's an excuse alright. I guess...I'm just trying to mentally tackle everything all at once and it's not getting me anywhere. D is right, I just need to go at my own pace and take one step at a time (-cue song-) and don't worry about everything at once. -breathes- Ok I could say more but going to end that rant here.

It's weird to say this now but over the last 2 months I've really...settled down into...life. I guess...I have this feeling right now that, I have a lot going on but I'm where I want to be? Which sounds a bit contradictory to the previous paragraph but I guess I mean it more in the sense that I've become used to and and even gotten to like (maybe) the situation I'm in with the things and people around me. I guess it's an understanding of "whatever will be, will be", and although there are many things, people and relationships I know that have...been affected and even lost, to me (most of) those sacrifices are worth it. Maybe, no probably that thinking makes me a bad person. I don't intend to argue with that, if anything I agree. But coming to accept where life is taking me, that endless oncoming of the future which is, thus the title, like the never-ending flow of a river (that title actually has a lot more significance than just that but...perhaps people reading this wouldn't know. Or, on the contrary it's exactly those people who are reading this right now who would know. Haha trust. Well I guess I'll never know though.) is what I've chosen to do. I can't afford to mess up like I did the first and second times. What's more, again in reference to the title, to me I know I want this. I want a life moving forward, with you. I especially realised that... well all the time when I'm with, and away from you, but especially after tonight, eating dinner with your family, shopping for your sister, watching you take care of your brother, I know that I can and want to get used to this, to be here by your side, with who you want to be with, supporting and being supported by you. There isn't a single regret (at least not for things within our control). Scary presumptuous words could be said here and maybe I would regret saying those one day (but I highly doubt it, and even before that I believe the situation where I would will not come) but I don't feel it's necessary. Grand sweeping claims, adjectives and descriptions don't need to be said. Taking it as it is, that's just what I think is coming my way and how I feel about it coming right now. This is what I want, us is what I want.

Uni sucking the life out of me.

I totally don't have time to blog or write a full reply yet, but I'll just make a note here that I'm going to write the reply here. Well somewhat.

Then I'll decide later if I want to send it.

Although most probably you've already freaking whined about it in some way or another to someone or judged me for not replying straight away anyway.

Oh and if that person was you, all the more reason to be annoyed.

I've been really edgy and irritable these past few days cos of exams, sorry to the people...that I'm actually sorry to. But just to clarify one thing to you, as freaking if I would care enough about your presence being there or not to be depressed because of it. Here's some irony for you; get over yourself.

Try again.

Yeah ok so I was a bit ott last night. But........yeah I was pretty mad. iMad.

Just don't care anymore. Which is why I have no regrets putting it up. If people still have a bone to pick then I have no hope for you. Mind your own business and if you can't, don't go spreading it.

Just everyone let each other live each other's lives. I'm not going to question others, and in return hope that they'd respect my own decisions and privacy.

Last night I had a huge blog craving...like I really wanted to blog and I had things I really wanted to say, but I was too tired and fell asleep...

Tonight...I'm just cbfed.

A few things I can think of fresh in my mind are:

I'm freaking sick of kpop. Or rather I'm sick of the kpop culture at xo. It's sad, but I feel so disillusioned. I just really don't have the motivation anymore. In a way I feel ok about it though, I feel like I have the same thoughts as some people who come to mind, the older ones I think. I think it makes sense, and maybe is just a growing process. This is healthy, maybe. But yeah, no motivation anymore really. The only thing keeping me there now really is the good old stuff and the chance to keep the passion for that alive via my class. But that only works if my class has people no? Yeah good work there...

The only thing I feel slightly bad about right now concerning it is that the exasperation I'm feeling is projecting onto how I talk to and interact with X. I don't mean to, I really should be more patient and polite, but with the way things have been and the way nothing has changed despite 'efforts', both in THAT respect and just day to day, I'm just out of space in my mind to care. I want to try more like Y said we should, give more of a crap, but it's hard to when this whole thing is just sucking more and more out of us and giving us nothing back.

And nothing surprises me anymore.

Actually that's a lie. Some naive part of me still thinks that the past stands for something. And every time I'm sorely mistaken and get slapped in the face. I'm talking about a particular few people. Double freaking standards. And can't keep your freaking noses out of other people's businesses. I trust that R didn't say anything, so now I have no idea what the f you guys are on about, because literally the only people who know what I tell R is R, D and myself. Unlike others, you guys, I don't try to find reasons to talk about it. I've got freaking better things to worry about. But in the case what I said to R actually is the problem, what of it? Apparently it's ok to tell the truth, and that's exactly what I told her. Or is the fact I talked about my FEELINGS a problem? What? It's ok for everyone else but a scandal when I don't? If I tell my subjective side of the story it's lies? FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT IT COMING BACK TO ME NEGATIVELY CAN I?!

Evidently this bothered me a lot. Mostly because YOU had no part in this to begin with, and this all happened and despite you seeming to have a problem with my 'lies' you didn't think to talk to me about it before going and spreading. I don't know if you felt like you had the moral responsibility to pass this 'news' on, and if you intentionally or accidentally twisted it, or if the receiver of the news perceives such as lies, but whatever it is, find something more productive to do than play the loyal messenger please. And what's more if you can't help yourself and feel like amidst your 'busy schedule' you have time to worry about the apparent bitching I'm doing to my friends, then get the facts straight before you go reporting it to other people.

I'd apologise for talking to bluntly and aggressively but right now I'm too frustrated and angry at being accused of things I never did because people couldn't keep their mouth shut about things they don't know crap about.

What I took away from this is:
People are two-faced and have double standards.
No matter how nice of a face people put on when they talk to you, there's always some kind of shittalk going on behind the scenes.
I have better plans for dance and where I want to go with it. I know what I have fun with and that's all that matters. Good company good dance.

Unrelated: It still amazes me how easily D can make me feel better in any situation. He notices things that no one else does and catches on so fast. It makes me feel bad for feeling annoyed or frustrated or upset to begin with cos he brings me back so quickly I feel childlsh for being like that to begin with. Thank you for putting up with my immature tantrums.

Also it be R's bday today. <3 I've written in the letter all that needs to be said, I hope she likes it. So much love for that girl.

Eoddoke?! (not sure if that's how you spell it...)

I still havn't thought of anything!!! WHAT TO DO?!?!?! D; The fact you have something organised makes it all the worse on my end cos I have no idea what to do T_T

I was also thinking today...you're good at like...everything. I'm dead serious, you're better than me at everything and also other things as well. Like, I don't think there's anything you can't do to a certain extent. You're so talented T_T FUAARRR <3 -feels incompetent-

But yeah crap. I still need to do readings for tmr, have no idea what I'm going to make/do =( HALP ME!

Oh yeah unrelated: you are unbelievable. Can you actually be any grosser? It's almost disgusting, don't freaking hit on everything that moves, especially my best friend. Fk bro, inappropriate much.

My turn to be the big boi.

Woman, you can't go on like this.

How are you not eating if you and G are cooking? =\

Bro srsly I'm going to start cooking and driving up with food. And you can't stop me. If you're not there I"ll leave it at your doorstep. Also you need to get that checked out...or have you already? (the shoulder)

-sigh- please take care of yourself.

Chibi

I was watching the Pop Me x2 video after going through Jo's photos cos I felt like I wanted to watch it again (go figure lol).

And I was paying particular attention to J and J. Lol I wonder how j felt like doing a dance like that. It's hard to tell whether he enjoyed it cos the video's so far away, but I imagine that if he went ahead with it he probably did? I think it's quite amazing that he decided to do a kpop showcase, and if it was cos J encouraged him to and it got him out of his comfort zone, then all the more amazing. Respect brudda.

And then I was watching J in the middle. I don't know why, it made me tear up. You've gotten so much better at dancing since we started dancing together, and thinking about it the other day, that was 3 years ago, when I was only 17 and you were only 28. It kind of hit me really hard, cos it made me realise...EVERYONES been together for 3 years. Why does it feel like so much less time? It's scary...cos even though obviously so much has happened, it feels like it all happened very quickly and suddenly here we are 3 years later. "What went wrong?" wouldn't be the right words to use, but rather...where did all that time, those memories and those relationships go? Well, but on second thoughts, I know the ones that good did come out of, and for those I'm very thankful. Which I guess brings me back to J. You were one of the ones I remember first from the crew because of the Change class we took together. I remember that class quite vividly for some reason, as opposed to Wedding dress which we took later on. Your hair was very red back then...I think lol.

But again, back to the point. Watching you in Pop Me x2, watching you dance, and seeing how much you've matured both emotionally, physically and in terms of dance, I really wanted to cry (I don't think it's PMS this time LOL). I think the thought was, I really really enjoy being friends with you, and the thought that you won't be here anymore in 3 months...it made me extremely sad in the moment. We don't see each other for extended periods of time, nor do we talk much outside of when we do see each other cos we're so busy (at least I hope that assumption is correct...). But I know that despite us being so many years apart, and not having much reason to interact much, the few times we've gotten a chance to talk properly are very special to me. You said yourself that you were immature, a long time ago, on that bench in Market City when we exchanged thoughts and secrets. When I think about it, I guess communication was never really a problem for us. In fact, I could probably find the blog post from that day lol. But then that would mean revisiting the old me...which I think I'll save for a day when I feel a bit braver.

Again, BACK TO THE POINT LOL. Even though you're not gone forever (I hope, if all goes well at least), and even though we'll still be able to talk over fb etc, I'm scared that I'll lose that relationship with you. I really respect you and I think I can be myself around you. Your presence is always just there that I think I've taken it for granted especially at the studio. What happens when you leave? 3 years and then poof. It'll honestly be a chunk of the studio gone, to me. I'm just feeling so lost right now for some reason.

Before you go we have to do something fun! Make a cover, the 4 of us maybe? =D Go somewhere fun, just enjoy a day to ourselves maybe in the holidays =D (If you're not too busy cramming your thesis D;). Lunch together is a given =) All I know is that I want to spend a lot of time with you before you go, and perhaps if possible take you to the airport on the day you leave. I think if I do, or I don't, either way I'm going to cry like a baby. I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss you when you leave. I won't say please don't go, because your life is headed for bigger things and you're moving forward, which is wonderful, and I'm so proud of what you've done and achieved in the time you've been with us. Plus you're going home, which is most important I think. But you better come back, cos you're an inspiring person and very warm friend, and a friend I want to keep in my life, as selfish as that sounds xP

As E said, I love you J! (again, I only say that when I mean it so you know I do ;P)




-sigh- now if only I could work up the courage to say that to a certain someone else...

Nichiyoubi tte iina~ nante nai~

Also, yeah. Don't know why I thought it'd be any different. It's so eye-opening it's almost laughable.

Almost.

But of course, then I'd be accused of being spiteful. Which in itself is quite ironic.

:3

I'M SO FREAKING EASY LOL! (take it how you will)

On another note, the other day when I woke up and saw that text, for some reason in my half-conscious slightly devs state, Shady Girl started loop-playing in my mind....like literally the music sounded like it was literally playing. But yeah....weird reaction hahahaha.

Also Wednesday!!!! Don't want to expect anything but the way you asked was just....blaaaaahhhh ~~>w<~~ teehee can't wait. But have to get through my chinese quiz and Psych presentation first! DISCIPLINE!

A miracle of kindness

I'm telling myself this is giving my brain a rest from the essay...but realistically I think I'm sinking out of the productive mood. Which is bad. Which means I'll be allnightering tonight feck (I havn't showered yet either...So need to pencil in time for that within the next 6 hours lol).

Do you ever get that feeling where you were super sad and kinda sulking about something before cos you really wanted it but situation sucked and you just had bad luck, and then when you finally get it cos someone went out of their way to help  cos they knew how upset you were over it...and then you feel super guilty and embarrassed that you got so worked up over something so trivial before? And now you feel even guiltier cos despite being embarrassed and ashamed of being immature...you're still really happy and giddy deep down.

Lul story of my life.

How does this generic case relate to me? Andrea (I say her name cos I really wanna thank her and remember it) even though we havnt talked that many times, remembered from the one time during a fleeting conversation about next semester's class, that I didn't get into the earlier Jap tute next sem cos my enrolment appt was late but rly wanted to get in. So she had been stalking the enrolments (as I had) for the past 2 weeks for a friend who wanted to do the same thing, and conveniently today 3 people had dropped out of the 29/28 full class, and there were 2 spots open. She told D to tell me that there was a vacancy so I should check and try to enrol. I guess it wasn't a huge feat or anything, but the notion that she remembered an acquaintaince's insignificant problem and took a note to tell that acquaintances friend a solution she had been keeping an eye on, I guess to me that spoke a lot and I really appreciate it. Maybe cos I REALLY wanted that tute spot (for legit and also stupid reasons) I feel so happy about it. Like I would hug her if she had been next to me irl at the time lul. Well anyways, my point is, even though I thought she seemed a bit intimidating when I first met her, I'm really thankful to her now, *MUST REMEMBER TO THANK HER ON WEDNESDAY! and I think she's very considerate :) THANK YOU ANDREA! and THANK YOU D FOR TELLING ME~ <3 (even though technically you were just the messenger xP)

And now back to...a combined 1500ish words I have left to write feck.

P.S. Hehehehehe funtimes shipping A and R 8D DERE SOOOOOO...well nothing yet rly but DAWWWW TEEHEEHEEEHEEEEEEEEEEE baka. (Lol this is so much more hilarious cos me and D are being such idiots about this xD BUT ITS SAH FUN!!!! x3)

Crybaby

So one last thing I wanna note down before I stop procrastinating taking a break.

Background note: I always feel like dreams are so vivid and memorable until literally (or at least it feels like) the second before I wake up, and then suddenly as soon as I'm awake everything just flies from my mind and only certain parts remain. It's frekaing annoying when I wanna actually remember what it was about cos sometimes....it's hard to express why I felt a certain way about a dream when I can barely remember what it was about to begin with lol. I guess unlike E, who I remember as the most prominent example of someone who can remember dreams in detail, the things I'm left with most strongly after a dream are the emotions I felt during it, rather than the events or people.

But yeah what I wanted to say is actually not that long. So I had a few dreams last night, 3 specific ones I can remember, but only the first one I remember the most of.

The first one I remember was about meeting Yiruma at World Square (which in real life I had really wanted to do but missed out on a week or 2 ago). I remember being coincidentally there for some reason (not to see him) on like what I assume to be the last day/time/minute he was there. And he was packing up already, finished performing (I missed it), and I looked over from whatever I was doing (I don't remember) and I walked up to him and asked him if he could sign a CD for me. At first I remember not even recognising him (which I felt guilty for) and when I looked at his face properly it was very stern and I was scared he would pull a snobby celebrity response on me and just ignore me, but then he did write one up, and I even asked him to make it out to D as well (I don't remember if he did...he may have declined that one LOL). But yeah he wrote something, made a mistake and wrote another one. He wrote a message that went along some inspirational line like "To Bec, something something something never give up on your dreams no matter what anyone says to you and don't let other people beat you down something something like that". (LOL It was a lot more emotional and good-sounding at the time, whatever he actually wrote). And it was really nice. Then I met up with D afterwards and showed him...and something happened while I was with D but I don't remember what herp derp.

The second dream...all I remember was something about gelato at a gelato stand in the middle of a shopping centre. All I remember is staring at the flavours through the glass lol. Again this was probably a lot more meaningful and eventful at the time, but memory blank.

The last dream I don't remember much from either, but left the strongest emotional imprint. It had something to do with while I was on the train home (It was a tin can). I was apparently about to leave for either a very long time or forever, and it was my last night here. I don't remember who I was with but that person was trying to persuade me not to go home and just hang out with more important people I wouldn't see again on my last night. I remember them degrading and insulting my family in some way and I got very angry and shouted emotionally back at them, listing each of my family members and why I loved them and they were amazing. I remember each time I said one and image of that person came to mind very vividly. As I got off the train and left that person, I remember my family members were all on the dark platform waiting for me, and I ran to them and cried. At this moment I woke up crying, tears streaming down into my pillow. Even the memory of waking up and the feeling of crying feels distant now and I'm not even sure if I was at the time cos I think I fell back asleep afterwards. But I'm pretty sure I did. It's almost scary that something that exists within my mind while I'm asleep and unconscious (I feel like I've made some kind of psychology-related mistake there derp) could prompt me to wake up so emotionally, but yeah.

Anyway, I just wanted to write that down somewhere before the memory of it completely fades, cos all I told D was that I had a weird dream and I woke up crying lol. But yes.

Also (unrelated) I've pretty much given up on being able to write my essay  tonight so I'm just going to finish annotating my reading, write up thoughts and ideas/structure for my essay, and also read through the psych material for the report which is also due on Tuesday HERP DERP. OMG and I havn't even started on my geki report/script tidyup or my JR Sensei report. -sigh- fml. So much for a productive weekend.

Discipline. I have none.

I keep getting freaking distracted even though I barely have enough time to do all this work. D's right, I didn't go to camp for a reason. To not work properly now would be dishonouring that. And just an insult to R for pulling out on him at last minute. I have to use that guilt and make it productive.

In the meanwhile, I have probably eaten about a month's worth of fat in junkfood this weekend. HALP ME! (related-ish: I keep wanting to save the last one of the green tea kitkats that D brought back from Japan for me... but my unintended solution right now has become to eat snickers and dark choc timtams. fml........ Also, I miss Arnotts chocolate teddy bears >< I still remember when Rina gave me them for KK once, SAH GOOD!)

Materialistic musing

So, after going on the ASOS website for the first time (and damn was that a mistake...spent like 2 hrs on that thing =_= REMIND ME NOT TO GO ON AGAIN BEFORE EXAMS FINISH T_T) and I realised...completely randomly...that there is no point getting nice pajamas or sleepwear...until you move in with your respective partner LOL. Whether it be when you get married or before or whatever. But think about it...who are you trying to impress? Your parents? Your friends that come sleepover? Lol so random.

Lol so really random, recently I've been thinking that I wanna paint my nails again. Or rather, I miss painting my nails. E's always look sah pretty, and then had the thought again while stalking LT for fun tonight (lol...she still amuses me...does that make me a horribelz person? ><"). Oh and also that time how D told me MC used to never care about her nails, but now she freaks out about it all the time haha. But yeah even clear, or like just a single colour. I always feel so...manly...and unkempt now hahaha lolwhut. ><"

Anyways, yes craving chocolate biscuits all day. Freaking hell.... STAHP! So much for losing weight since HSC...pretty sure I've gained like 5kg. FML. GYM NEXT WEEK RENEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A few thoughts out to some special people;

You posted a while back about this so I don't know if this will still apply, but you won't be alone I promise. I don't know if I can make a difference or even if I'm one of those people that you need, but if so even if I'm far away I'll still be here for you. It'll feel different cos being geographically close has perhaps become a pillar of our relationship but I think there's a reason we've been so tight ever since 4 years ago. I appreciate so much that I can come to you about literally anything, and I hope that I can do the same for you. So please, stay strong cos there are lots of people in this world who need you, me included. I can only hope that I'll be here to listen to anything you want to get off your chest, and to help you when you need me to. Because reading your blog sometimes I get worried that I don't pick up on these things in real life, and that perhaps I'm not being observative enough or being a good enough friend for not noticing. So please, -cue "Lean on me"- haha. I love you girl <3 (And I don't say that unless I mean it)

__

I really enjoy spending time with you haha. I think it could be because your attitude and way of thinking really contrasts to mine and inspires to be less extremely like me (if that makes sense, cos in this context being me is a bad thing haha). And since getting to know you better these past few months or so, I like to think I've been able to understand you a lot better too. I remember, and I'm not proud of it, that when I first met you and the first few months and even year that I knew you, I wasn't your biggest fan. But I can say that was cos I barely knew you, and never tried to know you better. I have that bad habit with girls, so it takes me a long time to warm up to them. But I really respect you and I really appreciate that we are always able to make our own fun and jokes together as well, maybe cos we have a lot in common haha. But yeah, thanks for just being a good friend that I can both talk to on that deeper level and also be a complete derp with haha.

__

I feel bad, cos I think I was the one who distanced us. Since I explicitly asked, yeah it's defs my fault. Although J would say this is natural, as when x happens, it's a given. But at the same time, I feel like the amount of time we've known each other and been friends should amount to more than this. At the same time, what I feel horribly guilty about is that this is perhaps exactly how I wanted it to be, but now I'm realising that perhaps I pulled it back too far. I think I can feel it in how we talk and your body language nowadays. Heck, when was the last time we talked not in person (as in on facebook or skype or text...holy crap...). Of course, we're both busy, extremely so, but am I being a bad friend by not making good use of the time that we do spend together? I felt this most the other day, just us two sitting there, that metre between us, despite you closing it occasionally, felt so big, like a void between us. But, and perhaps this is just me being selfishly presumptuous but, knowing you you wouldn't care about things like that and just see things simply, appreciating that we do what we can as friends. See why can't I think of things like that? Where does all this rant come from anyway? On a different note, I'm not sure about up til now but I definitely feel like I used you a bit. Not in the sense I did anything, cos it was something you initiated, but I let it go on for longer than I normally would have (been comfortable with), just to perhaps prove a point and spark something. I'm sorry, I'm horrible. But I know that in that moment, where coincidence seemed to be on my side (or arguably on the contrary...sheer bad luck) I definitely preyed off your emotional support more than I should have. I'm so sorry.

(Edit: Lol after reading that bit again, it almost sounds like something I should be saying to someone else. Herp derp.)

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(This is actually to a particular group)

Thank you guys so much. Despite us being all scattered now, and not doing anything particularly meaningful when we do see each other, I can always be completely myself with you guys. I don't have to worry about other stuff, and it's like I can forget...but not escape. Just enjoy friends and life as it should be haha. We're all so derpy, even *** is turning into a derp like us now haha. Always fun and laughs but contentment and happiness with you guys. <3

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It's weird cos now even our personalities are converging haha. Chin up bro, only half a year left like you said yourself. Then you have all the time (well a lot, not all LOL) to pursue both dance and her ;) Whatever happens I hope you know you can depend on me. I'm not much of a figure to respect, and I don't think we're as close as I'd hope, and now you even fb msg me more than you come down the corridor LOL but despite all that, I love you to bits. Stay strong, and again I'm so sorry about today. But I hope it also strengthened your relationship too =) -hug- don't overthink things too much (LIKE ME LOL) and don't let other people take advantage of you. You're too good for that.

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I think there has to be something wrong with me LOL. I don't think it's even normal for someone to want to be with another person this much. Like all the time.... I only don't come off as clingy to you (yet...?) because I think I suppress it a lot. It makes me worry whether I'm not showing you the real me. If I didn't hold back, if I just let my real emotions run rampant, would it get to you? Would it scare you away? What scares me also is that sometimes I find myself subconsciously manipulating the situation and words and other things to get my way with you. The other day, I saw you there at that exact moment and what I thought wasn't "OMG I should stop ****" as I normally would (I think) but instead "yes, perfect timing. Now you'll feel something, and perhaps understand." That's freaking scary to me. Like...it makes me sick that I could be that two faced. I didn't look up for long enough to see your expression because the knowledge that you were there at that moment watching was sickeningly enough reassurance for me, cos I wanted you to be worried for me. I wanted you to notice how sad I was feeling and comfort me (and what a hypocrite I am...giving the reason "I'm just feeling out of it.") I wonder if there would've been a slight disappointment in your eyes if I had looked up long enough to see your expression. I know I hated my thought process at the time. This side of me is scary, ugly and sick. It's the dark side of overthinking I guess. And what's unbelievable is you don't judge me for it. See, this thing goes both ways, believe it or not ;P Or perhaps you have no idea. Yeah you probably don't.

I think...well I'm scared but at the same time there's nothing wrong with it...(right...?) that I like you a lot more than you like me. I think in the scheme of things, this observation (whether accurate or not) is probably quite pointless cos it's unlikely that we'll like each other the same amount and all the time, but sometimes it makes me insecure for I guess generic reasons. Like...if I like you so much, am I clinging? Am I more committed emotionally than you and therefore get more devs easier? Do I want to see you more than you want to see me? Do I try harder than I should? Do you still feel anything for girls from before cos you're still close to most of them? Would you prefer to hang out with other people if you have the choice? Like when I think about it all these are really stupid thoughts...but it still goes through my mind. I wonder if it's just cos I express my emotions a lot more freely than you do, I mean you said you were stoic right? But maybe that's my wishful thinking that there's more to it and that you're just not expressing it. But I guess in the case that I really do...like you more than you like me...I think that possibility makes me a lot more scared to lose you. In the sense that I'm a lot more cautious than I like to admit. I'm sure you've noticed it already but I always tiptoe when I'm asking for/about something, always apologise for things I don't need to be sorry about, and a lot of the time I hold back with asking about something that I want because I cut myself down before I know your answer, preempting a reply not in my favour...and I know it confuses/annoys the heck out of you. I'm so scared to do something you won't like or that will make you think badly of me, because I'm worried it'll make you like me less, and because when you give that reply your tone/face tends to be (perhaps unintentionally) very bluntly judging/negative LOL, and it scares me sometimes...and I feel like an idiot for asking to begin with. GARGH see? I'm doing it again. I really have to stop thinking so much about stuff that shouldn't even be important. ANYWAY...yes. If you really do end up reading all this I'm pretty sure you'd get really frustrated at me and just -flips table- lol. I must seem like the craziest btch right now...

(this is so much more than a thought LOL It's turning into an essay addressed to you derp),

I'm not good at saying all this (the stuff above etc) in real life, also because it's probably weird to begin with let alone being said to you, so that's why I'm just letting the thoughts flow freely here. I wonder if you'll end up reading this...and if you'll judge me for it. I know that you really respect this space as my own, and that you don't want to intrude (I really appreciate that) but sometimes I know I'm writing all this in hopes that you'll read it...because I want you to know this side of me too. The side I'm too scared to show you directly. You even said I'm the type to express myself through words, and it's true, I process and organise my thoughts a lot better when I'm writing them here, rather than the mush that tries (TRIES...and fails miserably) to present itself coherently through what I say and do. But anyway LOL I don't even know what I was trying to say to begin with. You know there are things that bother me...but they shouldn't. Like reallly reealllllyyy stupid little things that I should just leave it up to ..."the flow" I guess. Like the fact we haven't said ****** to each other yet. And that we haven't ******* yet (asterixes not to scale LOL).  Like of course those kind of things like everyone always says will happen eventually, just have to give it time. And of course you need the right time and place and situation and feeling and moment. I know all that, which I guess is why don't think of it as a problem or something worth bringing up between us. But my heart (as cliche and grossly cheesy as it sounds) is impatient. I know that, and I hate it. But it's still there. I guess I don't mean to ask you to do anything about it, nor is it the case that I think things are going too slow, that's not the case. I just wanted to say it somewhere, cos sometimes when I think about stuff the uncertainty of whether it'll happen and what it not happening yet indicates gets a bit overwhelming. Because, as you know too well, I overthink these things. Haha it's funny cos it's this aspect of our personalities which contrasts so much, despite all the other similarities in interests and characteristics.

On a lighter note, you are amazing you know that? I know that sentence sounds like the most generic comment about people ever, and I don't know how to make it more meaningful, because that's exactly what I feel. You also wouldn't agree, which makes it even more frustrating for me, but seriously I don't deserve you. (Hah, if that person was reading this I wonder if they would make the correlation back to how they reacted to a similar post last year around this time). But somehow you seem to pick up on everything (albeit I'm the least subtle person ever and don't [or even try to] hide it very well when I'm upset [I'm immature like that]) both when I'm at the downside and upside of the spectrum. Even before this whole thing, around this time last year, you were still the first, if not the only one to notice something was up and would ask me about it afterwards. The difference nowadays is that you ask me in person and are a lot more dubious when I say it's nothing haha. (About that, I'm sorry I never tell you...I really appreciate that you notice and that sounds horrible too...being happy you notice I'm upset...but on a pure selfish level, yes I do. But because the reasons I feel like that are so often completely immature and stupid and irrational, I can't bring myself to tell you and let you find out about these ugly thoughts of mine. I know it probably worries you but I don't want you to have to worry/think about whatever I'm thinking if I were to tell you either. I'm sorry.) That thing last night before we hung up...I managed to say just one word...and you not only guessed that stupid question I stopped myself saying cos it was so stupid...you even gave me the answer I was stupidly hoping for. I felt like the biggest idiot and all I could do was just...smile...at my idiocy and stupidity and you going along with it. You said once that you didn't want to be the mastermind, you wanted to be the superhero. To me, you're superman (like the song that I related to you during the time you were in J as well haha), my Miura Daichi (cos you are like a dance and singing inspiration and dokidoki [yes I just made that a noun]), a kpop star (for obvious reasons), my 先輩 (because I respect you academically/on an intellectual level, in Jap and as an upperclassmen/life experience-wise) and my 오빤 (for all the intimate connotations that has as well x3 and I hope you didn't see that as my phone name for you ehe...). I don't want to make it sound like those are the reasons I like you so much or anything, because this definitely goes beyond those materialistic(?) things and I don't (just) idolise you, but I just want you to realise that you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Ok I think I've ranted enough. That's enough for you mister. -sigh- Man and to think this was all floating around in my brain too, how has it not exploded yet?

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Sorry to everyone who only got one paragraph LOL. But yes....woot woot partayy.

A STUPID DAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

KERSPLAT!

I don't know.

At the studio and sulking for stupid reasons. =_="

One of those days where everything just seems to be annoying and not go right.

I feel like I've done nothing today...and tbh I havn't. No progress...academically...physically...emotionally.

If anything I've regressed.

I make der no sense.

Stahpid reasons (I be clingy ><)

So I really wanted to be in the morning Jap tute next semester, one because I like working on Thursdays at xo...and two cos I really wanna be in the same tute as D..... Man I be mad clingy ><" But I can't cos the morning class was the only one at the beginning of enrolment so everyone who had early enrollment  appointment scrambled for it and now I can only enrol in the 2-4 one...T_T

Related but unrelated:
GIVE ME SOME CHEESE SOMEONE T_T (Lol sucking off other people's cheese as we said at dinner today)
Lol the talk about sleepovers with D, Minh Chau, Nick, Hanson and Michael today got me thinking...about the future (weird thought process much) and also Japan. Yeah I kinda... really wish D could....blah. But shouldn't complain. The reasons are reasonable...if that makes sense lol.

-clingy emotions dilemma- -stupid-

So the moment is not forgotten xP

At Hana Hana after Iron Man 3 as we were eating dinner and I made a comment, Cath laughed and spat a mouthful of water fountain-style at Steph's face straight on and some got on Dudu as well haha.

Best. Moment. Ever.

#Tothepoint #Goesdowninhistory

What happened?

Wow that's scary. Looking back over the convo history, realising that the last time we talked was 2 months ago, and the time before that 3 or 4 months previously. I think it's things like these that make me wonder where along the way did things start to go wrong, and why.

It's scary when you become scared to talk to someone who once was...or may have been your best friend.

The insecurities of back then are coming back to haunt me. And yeah, I realise this is all cos of that post. This goes to show again how easily influenced I am, and by something that wasn't even directed at or intended for me. I'm still such a child.

In the middle of the night, echoes of the past.

Dude I don't know what the hell is wrong with me....I tear up so easily recently LOL!

Freaking hell I don't want to be so emotional...it's actually really annoying. I'm just looking at some profile pics too wth. STAHP!

Regrets? Yeah I have them. When I think about it, I was probably saying it too loosely when I said I didn't have any. I don't regret any of my decisions more precisely. But I regret other things that I couldn't predict at the time, like the situation right now and how things would turn out.

Of course, I feel stupid things and say stupid things when I'm being emotionally jerked around so maybe when I'm thinking straight and not influenced by emotional bias I'll have a different opinion. But just for now, let me wallow in my childish desires to be close with you again. It's too much of a shame.

When I think about it, not just to me but to other people, or anyone in general, the past don't mean crap.

You can have a whole friendship or relationship with someone for everyday of a few months, a few years, a whole period in your life, and still end up complete strangers. And even if deep inside the memory still exists and the feeling is there, in the end nothing is done about it on the surface.

On the other hand, you can be enemies, destroy each other inside out, hate someone's guts whether it be justified or not, but one day things just click and it's as if you were on best of terms since forever.

And of course there's the neutral ground too.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that life takes us in the most interesting of directions. Sometimes that change makes us sad, and sometimes seeing someone where you used to be makes us confused and frustrated. But to accept that things won't always be the same can only make us stronger, because sometimes leaving the past behind is what's necessary to open the doors to the future.

Lol whut is this deep crap, do I even deep and meaningful? (No.)

Related: maybe this is totally just trying to reason out why I'm a bad friend. Yeah. Just face the truth Bec.

"They can tear down the walls, break down your pride,
I'm always right here, cause...

I'd rather go to war than give you up...

And I really don't know the worst of it,
But I'mma take my chance to swing it.
You're worth fighting for, you're worth fighting for."

Going on a Jackie Boyz adventure on yt haha.

Life is so subjective.

Dance, where this all started.

Random, so was discussing on FB with Carmen the day she started dance, and I realised I've never actually properly looked back to check what day I started (not like, ballet and school dance groups and all that, but like, the first day I walked into Dancekool and took Jaye's class. Where I was introduced to the world of street dance). It took me a long time, stalking old fb photos, went to my first blog where I vaguely remembered that I started blogging only a week or so before my first dance class.

And then I finally found it (there wasn't even a proper post cos I was tired/lazy on the actual day so it was in a recap haha). The magic date was:

Monday 22nd June 2009.

Wow thats crazy... When I think about it that was almost 4 years ago. Well now that I've committed the date to memory I can actually calculate it when ppl ask me how long I"ve been dancing, and also celebrate it if it's even special enough to haha:

Oh and just for fun, here's the section of the blogpost at the time, because revisiting my naive nooby old self is fun xD

"then me and Weelay went dance. so hungry we wanted something to eat. so we bought train tickets first to be sure...then SHIT! we onli had 55c xDDDD so we went to maccers and saw JOJO!^w^ wanted a discount but she was broke D; so we shared a soft serve xDDDDDDDDDDDDD and ate it with spoons. >w< must've looked reali awkward and weird, cos we were walking down george st while eating it xDDD.

so yeah, dance...one word...FAIL~! D; couldn't even find the place xDDD we were SO lost >< then we got there...and SO freaking intimidating D; all ppl such pros...and we were just like O_O yup (Y) we're...uh...new...so...O_O xDDD completely lost >< met a nice girl called trish (uni sudent) who helped us<33 even during warmup we were unco xDD then came the routine D; i was so hopeless. kept doing the wrong moves.

jaye is nice (Y) xDDD like a kid. he's got a reali cute face too >w< and NO i am not perving on the dance teacher O_o heh heh...not at all -shift- xDDD nah he's kool (Y) he says we should be more sexy than him when dancing....O_O bullcrap! like that's possible!! he's so frekaing pro D; anyway. in all it was really fun ^w^ can't wait till next lesson. meanwhile gotta practice the routine. ganbarimasu~

and since we starved ourselves being poor, i got home and STUFFD my face (Y) ^^"

Oh the younger me. And oh simpler times. Haha I think at the time I had no idea what stepping into those rundown stairs would mean for the next 4 years of my life (and counting). But for better or for worse, here I am now. And I guess, it's something in the end that defined/is defining a period of my life so it's definitely something worth revisiting. At least this time. :) Thank you Jo (Chen) for introducing me and Renee to DK and Jaye, thank you Jaye for being an inspiring teacher and introducing me to this world of dance, and thank you Renee for taking those first scary steps into this world with me.

Into the new blog

(Lul I said I was gonna make this one private but ceebs adding ppl individually. I'm totally gonna regret this.)

Yeahhhh soooooo... new blog again woot. This is my 3rd, and I don't know where I'm going with this one. Everytime I start one I'm like "yes, I will say my real thoughts here without caring about what other people think." But realistically that never happens. People are (or at least I am) way too insecure.

Again, I'm going to leave it to the stalkerish nature of people to find this. Last time I said explicitly that I had a new one, this time I havn't so yeah....good luck guise lol.

A lot has happened recently, and as usual I ceebs reiterating or reflecting on it all. I've always been the type who'd rather talk in person about it. So in that sense, not much will go into this blog I guess. It'll be sporadic as per my blogstyle haha.

I was thinking today as I derped on my bed laptopping and I spaced out for long enough to be looking in the direction of my bookshelf, that I never finished my Ouran High School or Rurouni Kenshin manga collections. Full devs, cos they're so awesome...I wonder if Kino still has them. One day when I have the money I'll finish them =D Such a good feeling to have the whole hardcopy series of a manga you like (ie Fruits Basket and Cardcaptor Sakura so far :3)

I think I totally have been bugging Renee too much recently haha. In terms of meeting up. Sorry bro haha, and also hope that thing works out -hug- chin up yeah?

I really hope tomorrow happens, by tomorrow I mean that me and D do something together just without worrying about time or other people. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been way too stressful and emotionally rollercoastery, so just a day to ourselves together (together alone haha) would be a real gift.

In light of recent happenings, a few people have talked to me, and I've also seen perspectives of other people through certain means (lol dodgy sounding much). The words of one person: "*** f-ed up (a long time ago). That is all. And ** should get over it." I never thought of it that way...weirdly enough. Also I'm still under the paranoia that everyone is just saying what they think I want to hear. Not because I don't trust them (no well...I don't 100% trust anyone really...) but I just think that's an essential part of human nature...regardless of how 'real' they think they are or if they 'say it like it is'. There will always be that slight cushioning if you're talking to someone face to face. At the same time though, I believe also that what people said to me is genuine and the advice was informed. I guess...?

Related but unimportant; whoops I totally forgot to reply in the end... Meh. Sleep more important.

Related but important: This might sound twisted, but it makes me happy and reassured that D wants me to *** as little as possible. I guess it gives that realistic dimension to it. -don'tevenmakesense-

Yesterday I stumbled on an amazing secret!!! I literally O mouthed (direct translation of a phrase that Vincent taught me in true contemporary HK style haha) for 5 minutes straight. It's nothing scandalous or life changing but it's still an amazing thing to know...at least for me. Or maybe it was the way I found out haha. But yes, as L told me, take this knowledge to my grave O_O

Yesterday also, I got the studio early (at 2) to open it for the cleaner since Jaye is gone for this week in Japan (うらやましい～！！！！）even though the cleaner didn't end up coming. I was just blasting music from studio 1 as I went about a few duties and stuff around the dark studio while no one was there. It's a different feeling to at night after everyone's gone when it's like the storm just passed. For a moment I thought "Ah, so this is how Jaye feels sometimes." And then I was also reminded of last year Halloween when me and D got to the studio early together to decorate while Jaye was in Canberra. Simpler times. That was nice. and so innocent. These fleeting moments, it's scary that it takes something else to trigger the memory. What if it's lost? So much is happening nowadays that a nice moment like this can be completely smothered within the memory by the chaos of the present and it's like it never happened. Man I think about weird things.

On that note, since people wanna dwell on the past being so important, I reckon people are only seeing the sides of the past they want. Of course some things that happened are more significant and important than others. But it's so easy to forget outside of the mainstream memories that this other certain relationship used to be this way, or that a certain injoke used to tie these few people together, or that these people had problems with each other for this reason, or that we used to do this for this reason. Selective memory, and I'm not saying that what I remember is correct/relevant, nor that just because it's a different way of looking at it, it should be considered more important. But, when there's so many different ways of looking at it and giving reasons for things the way they are today, why does the past matter so much in everyone's minds? We're all moving forward (lol Julia Gillard) and we can't change it. Situations change and we can't change that. People change and we can't change that. If someone becomes someone you don't like, asking "Why are you like this now?" or "why can't you be like you were before?", is that going to get you or that person anywhere? (Believe it or not this doesn't only refer to those 2 people). This is hardest in a relationship with another person because when you focus your energy so much into a particular person (platonic or not) and when so much of your emotional capacity is invested into the time spent with that person, of course when you look back and realise things aren't the way they used to be or that person isn't the way you used to be drawn to them for, it'll hurt. It'll be confusing. It'll freaking suck. (I still remember "you're not the way you were in [insert year]. I wish you were still that person." that cut me deep lol) But why is it worth it? Do people honestly think appealing to the other person and making yourself the victim of another person's/people's change is going to make them revert back? (I just realised I'm asking a lot of questions here...they aren't intended to be rhetorical lol, legit pondering them). The saddest thing is that we can't have what we had before, but the biggest gift is that we have our whole lives ahead of us, so there will always be more opportunity for new people, new situations and new reasons to keep on moving (hahah lul reminds me of the Five song) forward. The worst you can do for your heart is let it be caught up in the past. Well anyways, that rant aside, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want people to think about exactly what they're trying to achieve and how they're trying to get there. Whether it be for yourself or for the sake of another person. I don't know why people (specifically 2 ppl I know for sure) insist that not dwelling on something and moving on just means you're running away and ignoring the problem, but I don't think that's a way to live your life, nor is it fair to your heart. Accepting something is over, that a thing is of the past now, that can be the difference between wasting away and enjoying 6 months to the fullest (emotionally at least).

Of course, this is all just conjecture and perhaps me overthinking. But you can't should respect that there's a variety of ways of thinking about things and to assert that you know what someone is thinking better than they themselves do is a pretty big assumption. On a similar thread, it's pretty intrusive and annoying to insist on someone telling you their thoughts even if they evidently don't want to. Jest sayin.

Oh one more thing, I think you're delusional. I don't like to say it cos I probably am too, but reading that it made me so angry, and really I can't believe you could be so naive and narrow minded. I won't say I'm disappointed, but your attitude makes me so frustrated and lose more and more respect for you. But really it makes it easier because I've stopped expecting anything. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised from the bottom end of the spectrum rather than be miserably disappointed from the top, something I learned from a different person a long time ago.

Man that ended up going on for too long. Blah.

I like my new haircut, it's not too childish. Whern the chick was doing it I was scared I'd end up with a chihiro fringe or rooster head again, but after she blowdried it and straightened it, I thought it looked pretty decent, if I do say so myself haha. Now, let's hope I have enough patience and time to maintain it that way (-unlikely-).

Upstaged happened a week ago (Lol I'm totally jumping around my time periods here...deal with it xP) and...meh. Haha tbh every time I intend to blog about it, and everytime I ceebs. But the event itself was kinda underwhelming this time. A few things combined perhaps contributed to this feeling, like that Lex's showcase music skipped (was actually super devs about this for a good half hour...felt bad for moping later) and that I didn't get time to take a photo with my first showcase class, and that I didn't eat until about 10 at night, and that people were jerks and (separately but also) irresponsible (sorry to D for that, he told me off for chucking a silent spaz which is good...it was immature of me). But there were some good moments too, mostly with the same few people. The best moment dancewise was probably my Into the New World showcase (BECERATION!) which made me so proud and happy. Somehow even though we didn't have 13 people together until the stage rehearsal, we pulled it together. Haha funniest moment was when our stage rehearsal started and 12 of us were there, and I already knew and accepted D couldnt be there cos he was being a guide for Darren. Then 5 seconds into the intro as we start tech run D stampedes down the aisle and jumps onto stage into formation (He was outside with Darren and heard the music just in time to bolt and make it). Made me laugh and really lifted my spirits, not just cos it was funny or unexpected or a pleasant turn in events or because D was there which always makes me happy (-cheese-) but because suddenly our group was complete, all 13, and we were rehearsing together for a performance to show everyone how hard we had worked. Which is why even though I broke down in tears 10 seconds before we were due on stage cos no one could find Lisa, I still enjoyed this showcase the most. I can't describe how much I want to thank each and every one of the group, good or not as good dancers, good or not as good personalities. This experience helped me really appreciate the wonder of how dance and specifically teaching dance can help you get past what kind of personalities and abilities people are, and just appreciate that a combined effort towards a similar goal can bring people together in the most amazing of ways (LOL awks if I'm the only one who feels this way). (On a sadder note, I think that because a different group has lost that appreciation and ability to dance unconditionally, a long time ago in fact, it's hard for them to go back. ) But yes, so that's ITNW.

Then there's also the experience of working together with Terry, Lia and Nancy, who I see as the older Kpop generation. (Old as in in age but also from the older kpop days of XO). With Terry, who has always been a good friend and someone I respect, we were able to work together on both Lex's showcase and as stagemanager and music on the radio communication set. With Lia, who was awesome for stepping in to help me out as a runner and also did her best to catch up and learn the ITNW chorey and formations despite not having much time. And with Nancy, who always does her best and tries to think of the best ideas for everyone's sake, and also fitted in time for the ITNW practices among her many other showcases this year. These 3, I am really thankful to be friends with, and I respect them all as people older than me and with more life experience. Our journey with Crossover almost parallels, and I know I can always talk to them about things because they've also watched me grow over the last 3 years. And on a more simplistic note, I always have fun with them just chatting or dancing. Which is why, the photo of me, D and those 3 really makes me happy. Those 4 people have definitely been a, if not the, highlight during Upstaged this year. Another person in this equation is Jibbie, who I had a really nice talk with after the showcase when we were just waiting outside Wesley. Jibbie, who I've watched grow as a dancer and also as a person over the last 3 years, and his experiences both in and outside Crossover. Despite all that has happened to and around us I can still talk to Jibbie about what worries me and what worries him, and I'm so happy for him and where his life is taking him. It'll be sad when he leave for Thailand again in July(?) but all I can do is treasure the time we have left together (and hope he'll come back soon xP). Oh of course lastly a big thank you to Renee and Cath for coming so early in time to watch my ITNW performance and staying as long as they could <3 It meant a lot to me, which is why I was happy to give you guys the free tickets xP That also goes to my brother, who I hope had fun at C3 and I'm sure did a great job =) and again thank you for supporting your derpy sis at the showcase as always -hug- And to Ellyn and Jaye for working so hard and putting up with my noobness backstage this year. Already posted this on fb but thank you Ellyn for helping out at Kpop Summit as a runer even though you should've been taking a break to get ready for Upstaged <3

Ah, one more thank you to D for driving me home despite us being so tired, and holding my hand while the music played and I fell asleep (sorry T_T). I really appreciate these car rides home where even though we're not always talking about something important, just being each other's company in that small space, sometimes singing sometimes just in silence, is enough. It's like a momentary peace for us two. BLAH. -CHEESE- No moar stahp haha.

Recently at uni I"ve been really busy with assessments and stuff and it's started taking it's toll on me. (3 assessments straight after upstaged and also caught a fever) I even fell asleep on the ASB couch during one of our Jap Script meetups haha...so embarrassing. But I somehow pulled through, esp with D supporting and looking out for me and us doing work during all our breaks and before/after uni. Man Morven Brown Comp lab is gna become a study hangout for us xD

GAAAAAAGHHH so much to say I didn't even realise. But I think I got some of my thoughts into words. Theres a lot more but I think I've said enough for now haha.

So there you have it, first post on the new blog. With many more...maybe...to come lol.