Yeahhhh soooooo... new blog again woot. This is my 3rd, and I don't know where I'm going with this one. Everytime I start one I'm like "yes, I will say my real thoughts here without caring about what other people think." But realistically that never happens. People are (or at least I am) way too insecure.
Again, I'm going to leave it to the stalkerish nature of people to find this. Last time I said explicitly that I had a new one, this time I havn't so yeah....good luck guise lol.
A lot has happened recently, and as usual I ceebs reiterating or reflecting on it all. I've always been the type who'd rather talk in person about it. So in that sense, not much will go into this blog I guess. It'll be sporadic as per my blogstyle haha.
I was thinking today as I derped on my bed laptopping and I spaced out for long enough to be looking in the direction of my bookshelf, that I never finished my Ouran High School or Rurouni Kenshin manga collections. Full devs, cos they're so awesome...I wonder if Kino still has them. One day when I have the money I'll finish them =D Such a good feeling to have the whole hardcopy series of a manga you like (ie Fruits Basket and Cardcaptor Sakura so far :3)
I think I totally have been bugging Renee too much recently haha. In terms of meeting up. Sorry bro haha, and also hope that thing works out -hug- chin up yeah?
I really hope tomorrow happens, by tomorrow I mean that me and D do something together just without worrying about time or other people. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been way too stressful and emotionally rollercoastery, so just a day to ourselves together (together alone haha) would be a real gift.
In light of recent happenings, a few people have talked to me, and I've also seen perspectives of other people through certain means (lol dodgy sounding much). The words of one person: "*** f-ed up (a long time ago). That is all. And ** should get over it." I never thought of it that way...weirdly enough. Also I'm still under the paranoia that everyone is just saying what they think I want to hear. Not because I don't trust them (no well...I don't 100% trust anyone really...) but I just think that's an essential part of human nature...regardless of how 'real' they think they are or if they 'say it like it is'. There will always be that slight cushioning if you're talking to someone face to face. At the same time though, I believe also that what people said to me is genuine and the advice was informed. I guess...?
Related but unimportant; whoops I totally forgot to reply in the end... Meh. Sleep more important.
Related but important: This might sound twisted, but it makes me happy and reassured that D wants me to *** as little as possible. I guess it gives that realistic dimension to it. -don'tevenmakesense-
Yesterday I stumbled on an amazing secret!!! I literally O mouthed (direct translation of a phrase that Vincent taught me in true contemporary HK style haha) for 5 minutes straight. It's nothing scandalous or life changing but it's still an amazing thing to know...at least for me. Or maybe it was the way I found out haha. But yes, as L told me, take this knowledge to my grave O_O
Yesterday also, I got the studio early (at 2) to open it for the cleaner since Jaye is gone for this week in Japan (うらやましい～！！！！）even though the cleaner didn't end up coming. I was just blasting music from studio 1 as I went about a few duties and stuff around the dark studio while no one was there. It's a different feeling to at night after everyone's gone when it's like the storm just passed. For a moment I thought "Ah, so this is how Jaye feels sometimes." And then I was also reminded of last year Halloween when me and D got to the studio early together to decorate while Jaye was in Canberra. Simpler times. That was nice. and so innocent. These fleeting moments, it's scary that it takes something else to trigger the memory. What if it's lost? So much is happening nowadays that a nice moment like this can be completely smothered within the memory by the chaos of the present and it's like it never happened. Man I think about weird things.
On that note, since people wanna dwell on the past being so important, I reckon people are only seeing the sides of the past they want. Of course some things that happened are more significant and important than others. But it's so easy to forget outside of the mainstream memories that this other certain relationship used to be this way, or that a certain injoke used to tie these few people together, or that these people had problems with each other for this reason, or that we used to do this for this reason. Selective memory, and I'm not saying that what I remember is correct/relevant, nor that just because it's a different way of looking at it, it should be considered more important. But, when there's so many different ways of looking at it and giving reasons for things the way they are today, why does the past matter so much in everyone's minds? We're all moving forward (lol Julia Gillard) and we can't change it. Situations change and we can't change that. People change and we can't change that. If someone becomes someone you don't like, asking "Why are you like this now?" or "why can't you be like you were before?", is that going to get you or that person anywhere? (Believe it or not this doesn't only refer to those 2 people). This is hardest in a relationship with another person because when you focus your energy so much into a particular person (platonic or not) and when so much of your emotional capacity is invested into the time spent with that person, of course when you look back and realise things aren't the way they used to be or that person isn't the way you used to be drawn to them for, it'll hurt. It'll be confusing. It'll freaking suck. (I still remember "you're not the way you were in [insert year]. I wish you were still that person." that cut me deep lol) But why is it worth it? Do people honestly think appealing to the other person and making yourself the victim of another person's/people's change is going to make them revert back? (I just realised I'm asking a lot of questions here...they aren't intended to be rhetorical lol, legit pondering them). The saddest thing is that we can't have what we had before, but the biggest gift is that we have our whole lives ahead of us, so there will always be more opportunity for new people, new situations and new reasons to keep on moving (hahah lul reminds me of the Five song) forward. The worst you can do for your heart is let it be caught up in the past. Well anyways, that rant aside, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want people to think about exactly what they're trying to achieve and how they're trying to get there. Whether it be for yourself or for the sake of another person. I don't know why people (specifically 2 ppl I know for sure) insist that not dwelling on something and moving on just means you're running away and ignoring the problem, but I don't think that's a way to live your life, nor is it fair to your heart. Accepting something is over, that a thing is of the past now, that can be the difference between wasting away and enjoying 6 months to the fullest (emotionally at least).
Of course, this is all just conjecture and perhaps me overthinking. But
Oh one more thing, I think you're delusional. I don't like to say it cos I probably am too, but reading that it made me so angry, and really I can't believe you could be so naive and narrow minded. I won't say I'm disappointed, but your attitude makes me so frustrated and lose more and more respect for you. But really it makes it easier because I've stopped expecting anything. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised from the bottom end of the spectrum rather than be miserably disappointed from the top, something I learned from a different person a long time ago.
Man that ended up going on for too long. Blah.
I like my new haircut, it's not too childish. Whern the chick was doing it I was scared I'd end up with a chihiro fringe or rooster head again, but after she blowdried it and straightened it, I thought it looked pretty decent, if I do say so myself haha. Now, let's hope I have enough patience and time to maintain it that way (-unlikely-).
Upstaged happened a week ago (Lol I'm totally jumping around my time periods here...deal with it xP) and...meh. Haha tbh every time I intend to blog about it, and everytime I ceebs. But the event itself was kinda underwhelming this time. A few things combined perhaps contributed to this feeling, like that Lex's showcase music skipped (was actually super devs about this for a good half hour...felt bad for moping later) and that I didn't get time to take a photo with my first showcase class, and that I didn't eat until about 10 at night, and that people were jerks and (separately but also) irresponsible (sorry to D for that, he told me off for chucking a silent spaz which is good...it was immature of me). But there were some good moments too, mostly with the same few people. The best moment dancewise was probably my Into the New World showcase (BECERATION!) which made me so proud and happy. Somehow even though we didn't have 13 people together until the stage rehearsal, we pulled it together. Haha funniest moment was when our stage rehearsal started and 12 of us were there, and I already knew and accepted D couldnt be there cos he was being a guide for Darren. Then 5 seconds into the intro as we start tech run D stampedes down the aisle and jumps onto stage into formation (He was outside with Darren and heard the music just in time to bolt and make it). Made me laugh and really lifted my spirits, not just cos it was funny or unexpected or a pleasant turn in events or because D was there which always makes me happy (-cheese-) but because suddenly our group was complete, all 13, and we were rehearsing together for a performance to show everyone how hard we had worked. Which is why even though I broke down in tears 10 seconds before we were due on stage cos no one could find Lisa, I still enjoyed this showcase the most. I can't describe how much I want to thank each and every one of the group, good or not as good dancers, good or not as good personalities. This experience helped me really appreciate the wonder of how dance and specifically teaching dance can help you get past what kind of personalities and abilities people are, and just appreciate that a combined effort towards a similar goal can bring people together in the most amazing of ways (LOL awks if I'm the only one who feels this way). (On a sadder note, I think that because a different group has lost that appreciation and ability to dance unconditionally, a long time ago in fact, it's hard for them to go back. ) But yes, so that's ITNW.
Then there's also the experience of working together with Terry, Lia and Nancy, who I see as the older Kpop generation. (Old as in in age but also from the older kpop days of XO). With Terry, who has always been a good friend and someone I respect, we were able to work together on both Lex's showcase and as stagemanager and music on the radio communication set. With Lia, who was awesome for stepping in to help me out as a runner and also did her best to catch up and learn the ITNW chorey and formations despite not having much time. And with Nancy, who always does her best and tries to think of the best ideas for everyone's sake, and also fitted in time for the ITNW practices among her many other showcases this year. These 3, I am really thankful to be friends with, and I respect them all as people older than me and with more life experience. Our journey with Crossover almost parallels, and I know I can always talk to them about things because they've also watched me grow over the last 3 years. And on a more simplistic note, I always have fun with them just chatting or dancing. Which is why, the photo of me, D and those 3 really makes me happy. Those 4 people have definitely been a, if not the, highlight during Upstaged this year. Another person in this equation is Jibbie, who I had a really nice talk with after the showcase when we were just waiting outside Wesley. Jibbie, who I've watched grow as a dancer and also as a person over the last 3 years, and his experiences both in and outside Crossover. Despite all that has happened to and around us I can still talk to Jibbie about what worries me and what worries him, and I'm so happy for him and where his life is taking him. It'll be sad when he leave for Thailand again in July(?) but all I can do is treasure the time we have left together (and hope he'll come back soon xP). Oh of course lastly a big thank you to Renee and Cath for coming so early in time to watch my ITNW performance and staying as long as they could <3 It meant a lot to me, which is why I was happy to give you guys the free tickets xP That also goes to my brother, who I hope had fun at C3 and I'm sure did a great job =) and again thank you for supporting your derpy sis at the showcase as always -hug- And to Ellyn and Jaye for working so hard and putting up with my noobness backstage this year. Already posted this on fb but thank you Ellyn for helping out at Kpop Summit as a runer even though you should've been taking a break to get ready for Upstaged <3
Ah, one more thank you to D for driving me home despite us being so tired, and holding my hand while the music played and I fell asleep (sorry T_T). I really appreciate these car rides home where even though we're not always talking about something important, just being each other's company in that small space, sometimes singing sometimes just in silence, is enough. It's like a momentary peace for us two. BLAH. -CHEESE- No moar stahp haha.
Recently at uni I"ve been really busy with assessments and stuff and it's started taking it's toll on me. (3 assessments straight after upstaged and also caught a fever) I even fell asleep on the ASB couch during one of our Jap Script meetups haha...so embarrassing. But I somehow pulled through, esp with D supporting and looking out for me and us doing work during all our breaks and before/after uni. Man Morven Brown Comp lab is gna become a study hangout for us xD
GAAAAAAGHHH so much to say I didn't even realise. But I think I got some of my thoughts into words. Theres a lot more but I think I've said enough for now haha.
So there you have it, first post on the new blog. With many more...maybe...to come lol.
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