Last night I had a huge blog craving...like I really wanted to blog and I had things I really wanted to say, but I was too tired and fell asleep...

Tonight...I'm just cbfed.

A few things I can think of fresh in my mind are:

I'm freaking sick of kpop. Or rather I'm sick of the kpop culture at xo. It's sad, but I feel so disillusioned. I just really don't have the motivation anymore. In a way I feel ok about it though, I feel like I have the same thoughts as some people who come to mind, the older ones I think. I think it makes sense, and maybe is just a growing process. This is healthy, maybe. But yeah, no motivation anymore really. The only thing keeping me there now really is the good old stuff and the chance to keep the passion for that alive via my class. But that only works if my class has people no? Yeah good work there...

The only thing I feel slightly bad about right now concerning it is that the exasperation I'm feeling is projecting onto how I talk to and interact with X. I don't mean to, I really should be more patient and polite, but with the way things have been and the way nothing has changed despite 'efforts', both in THAT respect and just day to day, I'm just out of space in my mind to care. I want to try more like Y said we should, give more of a crap, but it's hard to when this whole thing is just sucking more and more out of us and giving us nothing back.

And nothing surprises me anymore.

Actually that's a lie. Some naive part of me still thinks that the past stands for something. And every time I'm sorely mistaken and get slapped in the face. I'm talking about a particular few people. Double freaking standards. And can't keep your freaking noses out of other people's businesses. I trust that R didn't say anything, so now I have no idea what the f you guys are on about, because literally the only people who know what I tell R is R, D and myself. Unlike others, you guys, I don't try to find reasons to talk about it. I've got freaking better things to worry about. But in the case what I said to R actually is the problem, what of it? Apparently it's ok to tell the truth, and that's exactly what I told her. Or is the fact I talked about my FEELINGS a problem? What? It's ok for everyone else but a scandal when I don't? If I tell my subjective side of the story it's lies? FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT IT COMING BACK TO ME NEGATIVELY CAN I?!

Evidently this bothered me a lot. Mostly because YOU had no part in this to begin with, and this all happened and despite you seeming to have a problem with my 'lies' you didn't think to talk to me about it before going and spreading. I don't know if you felt like you had the moral responsibility to pass this 'news' on, and if you intentionally or accidentally twisted it, or if the receiver of the news perceives such as lies, but whatever it is, find something more productive to do than play the loyal messenger please. And what's more if you can't help yourself and feel like amidst your 'busy schedule' you have time to worry about the apparent bitching I'm doing to my friends, then get the facts straight before you go reporting it to other people.

I'd apologise for talking to bluntly and aggressively but right now I'm too frustrated and angry at being accused of things I never did because people couldn't keep their mouth shut about things they don't know crap about.

What I took away from this is:
People are two-faced and have double standards.
No matter how nice of a face people put on when they talk to you, there's always some kind of shittalk going on behind the scenes.
I have better plans for dance and where I want to go with it. I know what I have fun with and that's all that matters. Good company good dance.

Unrelated: It still amazes me how easily D can make me feel better in any situation. He notices things that no one else does and catches on so fast. It makes me feel bad for feeling annoyed or frustrated or upset to begin with cos he brings me back so quickly I feel childlsh for being like that to begin with. Thank you for putting up with my immature tantrums.

Also it be R's bday today. <3 I've written in the letter all that needs to be said, I hope she likes it. So much love for that girl.