"Like the never-ending flow of a river"

This holiday which I was waiting for so much, that I wanted so desperately, it's just come and gone...well half gone. I can't believe there's only 3 weeks left. It's devastating. And to think there were so many things I wanted to get done these holidays...

The free time that has come with the end of exams has also prompted my idle mind to think about what I'm doing. Like, where I'm going, what I'm doing, where I want to be, where I actually am, what's important, who's important...and so on. Insecurities are bubbling and boiling over. What if I don't pass my courses, especially Chinese? What if I don't make and Jap unis for exchange, let alone I high ranking one (fat chance with my pending WAM for this sem...)? What if I can't find a proper-paying job soon, let alone one that relates to my future aspirations... what are my future aspirations even? What if something happens between us? What if one of us makes it and the other doesnt (namely me being the one who fails T_T)? What if the world ends tomorrow? (Not really but it's always a possibility right?) There's just...so much, both rational and irrational, that is on my mind and freaking me out. In the end there's only so much control you have over your life sometimes, and I know that sounds like an excuse for not trying but...no it's an excuse alright. I guess...I'm just trying to mentally tackle everything all at once and it's not getting me anywhere. D is right, I just need to go at my own pace and take one step at a time (-cue song-) and don't worry about everything at once. -breathes- Ok I could say more but going to end that rant here.

It's weird to say this now but over the last 2 months I've really...settled down into...life. I guess...I have this feeling right now that, I have a lot going on but I'm where I want to be? Which sounds a bit contradictory to the previous paragraph but I guess I mean it more in the sense that I've become used to and and even gotten to like (maybe) the situation I'm in with the things and people around me. I guess it's an understanding of "whatever will be, will be", and although there are many things, people and relationships I know that have...been affected and even lost, to me (most of) those sacrifices are worth it. Maybe, no probably that thinking makes me a bad person. I don't intend to argue with that, if anything I agree. But coming to accept where life is taking me, that endless oncoming of the future which is, thus the title, like the never-ending flow of a river (that title actually has a lot more significance than just that but...perhaps people reading this wouldn't know. Or, on the contrary it's exactly those people who are reading this right now who would know. Haha trust. Well I guess I'll never know though.) is what I've chosen to do. I can't afford to mess up like I did the first and second times. What's more, again in reference to the title, to me I know I want this. I want a life moving forward, with you. I especially realised that... well all the time when I'm with, and away from you, but especially after tonight, eating dinner with your family, shopping for your sister, watching you take care of your brother, I know that I can and want to get used to this, to be here by your side, with who you want to be with, supporting and being supported by you. There isn't a single regret (at least not for things within our control). Scary presumptuous words could be said here and maybe I would regret saying those one day (but I highly doubt it, and even before that I believe the situation where I would will not come) but I don't feel it's necessary. Grand sweeping claims, adjectives and descriptions don't need to be said. Taking it as it is, that's just what I think is coming my way and how I feel about it coming right now. This is what I want, us is what I want.