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I really enjoy spending time with you haha. I think it could be because your attitude and way of thinking really contrasts to mine and inspires to be less extremely like me (if that makes sense, cos in this context being me is a bad thing haha). And since getting to know you better these past few months or so, I like to think I've been able to understand you a lot better too. I remember, and I'm not proud of it, that when I first met you and the first few months and even year that I knew you, I wasn't your biggest fan. But I can say that was cos I barely knew you, and never tried to know you better. I have that bad habit with girls, so it takes me a long time to warm up to them. But I really respect you and I really appreciate that we are always able to make our own fun and jokes together as well, maybe cos we have a lot in common haha. But yeah, thanks for just being a good friend that I can both talk to on that deeper level and also be a complete derp with haha.
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I feel bad, cos I think I was the one who distanced us. Since I explicitly asked, yeah it's defs my fault. Although J would say this is natural, as when x happens, it's a given. But at the same time, I feel like the amount of time we've known each other and been friends should amount to more than this. At the same time, what I feel horribly guilty about is that this is perhaps exactly how I wanted it to be, but now I'm realising that perhaps I pulled it back too far. I think I can feel it in how we talk and your body language nowadays. Heck, when was the last time we talked not in person (as in on facebook or skype or text...holy crap...). Of course, we're both busy, extremely so, but am I being a bad friend by not making good use of the time that we do spend together? I felt this most the other day, just us two sitting there, that metre between us, despite you closing it occasionally, felt so big, like a void between us. But, and perhaps this is just me being selfishly presumptuous but, knowing you you wouldn't care about things like that and just see things simply, appreciating that we do what we can as friends. See why can't I think of things like that? Where does all this rant come from anyway? On a different note, I'm not sure about up til now but I definitely feel like I used you a bit. Not in the sense I did anything, cos it was something you initiated, but I let it go on for longer than I normally would have (been comfortable with), just to perhaps prove a point and spark something. I'm sorry, I'm horrible. But I know that in that moment, where coincidence seemed to be on my side (or arguably on the contrary...sheer bad luck) I definitely preyed off your emotional support more than I should have. I'm so sorry.
(Edit: Lol after reading that bit again, it almost sounds like something I should be saying to someone else. Herp derp.)
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(This is actually to a particular group)
Thank you guys so much. Despite us being all scattered now, and not doing anything particularly meaningful when we do see each other, I can always be completely myself with you guys. I don't have to worry about other stuff, and it's like I can forget...but not escape. Just enjoy friends and life as it should be haha. We're all so derpy, even *** is turning into a derp like us now haha. Always fun and laughs but contentment and happiness with you guys. <3
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It's weird cos now even our personalities are converging haha. Chin up bro, only half a year left like you said yourself. Then you have all the time (well a lot, not all LOL) to pursue both dance and her ;) Whatever happens I hope you know you can depend on me. I'm not much of a figure to respect, and I don't think we're as close as I'd hope, and now you even fb msg me more than you come down the corridor LOL but despite all that, I love you to bits. Stay strong, and again I'm so sorry about today. But I hope it also strengthened your relationship too =) -hug- don't overthink things too much (LIKE ME LOL) and don't let other people take advantage of you. You're too good for that.
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I think there has to be something wrong with me LOL. I don't think it's even normal for someone to want to be with another person this much. Like all the time.... I only don't come off as clingy to you (yet...?) because I think I suppress it a lot. It makes me worry whether I'm not showing you the real me. If I didn't hold back, if I just let my real emotions run rampant, would it get to you? Would it scare you away? What scares me also is that sometimes I find myself subconsciously manipulating the situation and words and other things to get my way with you. The other day, I saw you there at that exact moment and what I thought wasn't "OMG I should stop ****" as I normally would (I think) but instead "yes, perfect timing. Now you'll feel something, and perhaps understand." That's freaking scary to me. Like...it makes me sick that I could be that two faced. I didn't look up for long enough to see your expression because the knowledge that you were there at that moment watching was sickeningly enough reassurance for me, cos I wanted you to be worried for me. I wanted you to notice how sad I was feeling and comfort me (and what a hypocrite I am...giving the reason "I'm just feeling out of it.") I wonder if there would've been a slight disappointment in your eyes if I had looked up long enough to see your expression. I know I hated my thought process at the time. This side of me is scary, ugly and sick. It's the dark side of overthinking I guess. And what's unbelievable is you don't judge me for it. See, this thing goes both ways, believe it or not ;P Or perhaps you have no idea. Yeah you probably don't.
I think...well I'm scared but at the same time there's nothing wrong with it...(right...?) that I like you a lot more than you like me. I think in the scheme of things, this observation (whether accurate or not) is probably quite pointless cos it's unlikely that we'll like each other the same amount and all the time, but sometimes it makes me insecure for I guess generic reasons. Like...if I like you so much, am I clinging? Am I more committed emotionally than you and therefore get more devs easier? Do I want to see you more than you want to see me? Do I try harder than I should? Do you still feel anything for girls from before cos you're still close to most of them? Would you prefer to hang out with other people if you have the choice? Like when I think about it all these are really stupid thoughts...but it still goes through my mind. I wonder if it's just cos I express my emotions a lot more freely than you do, I mean you said you were stoic right? But maybe that's my wishful thinking that there's more to it and that you're just not expressing it. But I guess in the case that I really do...like you more than you like me...I think that possibility makes me a lot more scared to lose you. In the sense that I'm a lot more cautious than I like to admit. I'm sure you've noticed it already but I always tiptoe when I'm asking for/about something, always apologise for things I don't need to be sorry about, and a lot of the time I hold back with asking about something that I want because I cut myself down before I know your answer, preempting a reply not in my favour...and I know it confuses/annoys the heck out of you. I'm so scared to do something you won't like or that will make you think badly of me, because I'm worried it'll make you like me less, and because when you give that reply your tone/face tends to be (perhaps unintentionally) very bluntly judging/negative LOL, and it scares me sometimes...and I feel like an idiot for asking to begin with. GARGH see? I'm doing it again. I really have to stop thinking so much about stuff that shouldn't even be important. ANYWAY...yes. If you really do end up reading all this I'm pretty sure you'd get really frustrated at me and just -flips table- lol. I must seem like the craziest btch right now...
(this is so much more than a thought LOL It's turning into an essay addressed to you derp),
I'm not good at saying all this (the stuff above etc) in real life, also because it's probably weird to begin with let alone being said to you, so that's why I'm just letting the thoughts flow freely here. I wonder if you'll end up reading this...and if you'll judge me for it. I know that you really respect this space as my own, and that you don't want to intrude (I really appreciate that) but sometimes I know I'm writing all this in hopes that you'll read it...because I want you to know this side of me too. The side I'm too scared to show you directly. You even said I'm the type to express myself through words, and it's true, I process and organise my thoughts a lot better when I'm writing them here, rather than the mush that tries (TRIES...and fails miserably) to present itself coherently through what I say and do. But anyway LOL I don't even know what I was trying to say to begin with. You know there are things that bother me...but they shouldn't. Like reallly reealllllyyy stupid little things that I should just leave it up to ..."the flow" I guess. Like the fact we haven't said ****** to each other yet. And that we haven't ******* yet (asterixes not to scale LOL). Like of course those kind of things like everyone always says will happen eventually, just have to give it time. And of course you need the right time and place and situation and feeling and moment. I know all that, which I guess is why don't think of it as a problem or something worth bringing up between us. But my heart (as cliche and grossly cheesy as it sounds) is impatient. I know that, and I hate it. But it's still there. I guess I don't mean to ask you to do anything about it, nor is it the case that I think things are going too slow, that's not the case. I just wanted to say it somewhere, cos sometimes when I think about stuff the uncertainty of whether it'll happen and what it not happening yet indicates gets a bit overwhelming. Because, as you know too well, I overthink these things. Haha it's funny cos it's this aspect of our personalities which contrasts so much, despite all the other similarities in interests and characteristics.
On a lighter note, you are amazing you know that? I know that sentence sounds like the most generic comment about people ever, and I don't know how to make it more meaningful, because that's exactly what I feel. You also wouldn't agree, which makes it even more frustrating for me, but seriously I don't deserve you. (Hah, if that person was reading this I wonder if they would make the correlation back to how they reacted to a similar post last year around this time). But somehow you seem to pick up on everything (albeit I'm the least subtle person ever and don't [or even try to] hide it very well when I'm upset [I'm immature like that]) both when I'm at the downside and upside of the spectrum. Even before this whole thing, around this time last year, you were still the first, if not the only one to notice something was up and would ask me about it afterwards. The difference nowadays is that you ask me in person and are a lot more dubious when I say it's nothing haha. (About that, I'm sorry I never tell you...I really appreciate that you notice and that sounds horrible too...being happy you notice I'm upset...but on a pure selfish level, yes I do. But because the reasons I feel like that are so often completely immature and stupid and irrational, I can't bring myself to tell you and let you find out about these ugly thoughts of mine. I know it probably worries you but I don't want you to have to worry/think about whatever I'm thinking if I were to tell you either. I'm sorry.) That thing last night before we hung up...I managed to say just one word...and you not only guessed that stupid question I stopped myself saying cos it was so stupid...you even gave me the answer I was stupidly hoping for. I felt like the biggest idiot and all I could do was just...smile...at my idiocy and stupidity and you going along with it. You said once that you didn't want to be the mastermind, you wanted to be the superhero. To me, you're superman (like the song that I related to you during the time you were in J as well haha), my Miura Daichi (cos you are like a dance and singing inspiration and dokidoki [yes I just made that a noun]), a kpop star (for obvious reasons), my 先輩 (because I respect you academically/on an intellectual level, in Jap and as an upperclassmen/life experience-wise) and my 오빤 (for all the intimate connotations that has as well x3 and I hope you didn't see that as my phone name for you ehe...). I don't want to make it sound like those are the reasons I like you so much or anything, because this definitely goes beyond those materialistic(?) things and I don't (just) idolise you, but I just want you to realise that you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.
Ok I think I've ranted enough. That's enough for you mister. -sigh- Man and to think this was all floating around in my brain too, how has it not exploded yet?
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Sorry to everyone who only got one paragraph LOL. But yes....woot woot partayy.
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