Cut

It doesn't feel right. It's not right for me to feel disappointed about it, but I still do. I want to avoid it like the plague. It's like something I don't feel comfortable even being in the vicinity of. Hate is too strong a word. I just....don't want to come in contact right now.

On another note, this will be the first time since that one in 2011 where I'll be watching it as a spectator. How strange. I don't even want to see it tbh. There's no emotional benefit in me watching it.

Reflackshun

It's been a chaotic week and it's only just started.

Yesterday I went non stop from 10am to 10:30pm, not including travelling time. Barely had time to eat but hey, monies and experience.

I've been exhausted these past few days, falling asleep before I mean to and before I finish the work I intend to do. At least today I managed to churn out a somewhat acceptable oral presentation with total probably 10 mins prep LOL. Averaged about 12/15 so yay. While Armour Sensei has 'interesting' opinions and teaching methods, I'm actually quite happy I'm taking this contextual course because it's reshaping my perspective on Japan, and I'm actually enjoying the classes a lot, compared to my previous non-language Arts classes.

On another note, much talks to Reese about work experience and staff professionalism/work ethic. The discussion provided a somewhat peace of mind, I felt reassured that my though process wasn't completely off track. And I was really grateful for the feedback he gave me, because I'd like to know what I can improve on in customer service, especially cos I like it.

I realised despite trying to keep my timetable freeish this sem for work etc, while I'm still doing XO work I can barely afford to fit another job in. It's one or the other... well we'll see what the raise looks like next week (realistically that's the one thing that might change my decisions...).

Something Joey once pointed out a long time ago is being reflected in my thoughts about a certain matter. (roughly paraphrased) Once something shatters the illusion, everything that person does annoys you. Yeah...

"An asshole is an asshole." - D&B Collab. LOL
(I could say a lot more but it's not worth it. I think the sentence pretty much sums it up. Also cos I don't want to care about it anymore so leaving it simply for my own sake is good too haha.)

It's going to be hard to meet up during uni breaks this sem, but I hope we can still make time for each other. It's been a strange few days, not having been able to see each other for long and just chill. But I'm getting used to it a lot quicker this sem than last. Or rather, I'm a lot more comfortable with where we stand with each other this sem. No confusion this time around :)

I should really chill more at the studio, stress and disillusionment is affecting my attitude both towards the idea of the studio and to Jaye... but I need to remember that in the end it's a job. And there's a certain level of respect and professionalism that needs to be maintained.

Hey LOL, don't want to sink to that level right?

On a brighter note, me and D will be performing at a wedding in a few weeks! ^_^ Really looking forward to it, not just because I've come to really like the couple, but also cos...yeah...couple dance...x3 Haha but in all seriousness I love weddings. They make me warm and fuzzy....occasionally teary...very frequently... And I don't get to go to many so being invited and getting to perform is rly nice ^^ Watching two people unite in mutual understanding that they make each other happy is a wonderful thing, and a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine (that sounds so weird....hahaha but don't know how else to describe it xP). But yes, EXCITED :D

nts: Kwan has to be at my wedding to catch the bouquet and get married soon and have many kids ;P

I hope Friday will turn out ok...Really just want a day to chill and stuff together. Get away from uni, and all that too. And I hope I can find parking in R's...hurr hurr #strongdriving

I should probably start thinking about where to hold the dinner with the Atoms. Actually not start, I already have but....where!?!?!?! so hard T_T Wondering if I should just take them to somewhere not too fancy and just enjoy the company. Wanna do NY Cafe but not sure if good dinner...?

Holy crap I'm going to be twenty and 3 weeks exactly.

HATACHI NI NACCHAUUUUUUUU!!!

Anyways I should be studying Astronomy rather than abusing the uni computers to blog lul.

BAAAAIIIIII~

.

Again, I've gone into a phase where I keep starting to write posts but after letting the feelings subside don't want to publish the half-finished post anymore.

A suitable title also fails to come as well.

Sitting at the studio right now, on the day of DS5. I'm very...-insert emotion that I can't describe- right now. To say tired would be oversimplifying it, to say upset would be victimising myself, to say pissed would be overstating how much I care.

I just really don't want to be here right now.

**If you're not going to help when you could be, then go home, or somewhere else. Don't sit here and complain about how crap the organisation is or how you're doing nothing.

note: I just noticed something, I smile in this really fake way when I'm trying to hide something or the fact I'm upset while trying to be nice and normal to people (especially unknowing people). Like I don't smile normally, instead smiling in a very straight line lol. and I squint my eyes. Or I close my eyes a lot. Whut, probs doesnt even make sense.

It was bad enough for Mark to notice even though we spoke to each other for only a minute or so. He got me a happy hippo cos apparently I looked like I needed one... -tears up-. And then when moving drink it got squished in my jacket pocket T_T But he gave me another one (without knowing about the squished one, I took that out after) cos he said I should have another one. And Terry said I look sick too. -sigh- I hate that I'm not subtle when I'm...'upset'.

I also just let out an exasperated scream and it hurt my throat...My voice is a bit gone from yesterday and now it hurts to talk too loudly.

You're having fun spiting me.

Anyway, ceebs continuing this. whatevs.

"Like the never-ending flow of a river"

This holiday which I was waiting for so much, that I wanted so desperately, it's just come and gone...well half gone. I can't believe there's only 3 weeks left. It's devastating. And to think there were so many things I wanted to get done these holidays...

The free time that has come with the end of exams has also prompted my idle mind to think about what I'm doing. Like, where I'm going, what I'm doing, where I want to be, where I actually am, what's important, who's important...and so on. Insecurities are bubbling and boiling over. What if I don't pass my courses, especially Chinese? What if I don't make and Jap unis for exchange, let alone I high ranking one (fat chance with my pending WAM for this sem...)? What if I can't find a proper-paying job soon, let alone one that relates to my future aspirations... what are my future aspirations even? What if something happens between us? What if one of us makes it and the other doesnt (namely me being the one who fails T_T)? What if the world ends tomorrow? (Not really but it's always a possibility right?) There's just...so much, both rational and irrational, that is on my mind and freaking me out. In the end there's only so much control you have over your life sometimes, and I know that sounds like an excuse for not trying but...no it's an excuse alright. I guess...I'm just trying to mentally tackle everything all at once and it's not getting me anywhere. D is right, I just need to go at my own pace and take one step at a time (-cue song-) and don't worry about everything at once. -breathes- Ok I could say more but going to end that rant here.

It's weird to say this now but over the last 2 months I've really...settled down into...life. I guess...I have this feeling right now that, I have a lot going on but I'm where I want to be? Which sounds a bit contradictory to the previous paragraph but I guess I mean it more in the sense that I've become used to and and even gotten to like (maybe) the situation I'm in with the things and people around me. I guess it's an understanding of "whatever will be, will be", and although there are many things, people and relationships I know that have...been affected and even lost, to me (most of) those sacrifices are worth it. Maybe, no probably that thinking makes me a bad person. I don't intend to argue with that, if anything I agree. But coming to accept where life is taking me, that endless oncoming of the future which is, thus the title, like the never-ending flow of a river (that title actually has a lot more significance than just that but...perhaps people reading this wouldn't know. Or, on the contrary it's exactly those people who are reading this right now who would know. Haha trust. Well I guess I'll never know though.) is what I've chosen to do. I can't afford to mess up like I did the first and second times. What's more, again in reference to the title, to me I know I want this. I want a life moving forward, with you. I especially realised that... well all the time when I'm with, and away from you, but especially after tonight, eating dinner with your family, shopping for your sister, watching you take care of your brother, I know that I can and want to get used to this, to be here by your side, with who you want to be with, supporting and being supported by you. There isn't a single regret (at least not for things within our control). Scary presumptuous words could be said here and maybe I would regret saying those one day (but I highly doubt it, and even before that I believe the situation where I would will not come) but I don't feel it's necessary. Grand sweeping claims, adjectives and descriptions don't need to be said. Taking it as it is, that's just what I think is coming my way and how I feel about it coming right now. This is what I want, us is what I want.

Uni sucking the life out of me.

I totally don't have time to blog or write a full reply yet, but I'll just make a note here that I'm going to write the reply here. Well somewhat.

Then I'll decide later if I want to send it.

Although most probably you've already freaking whined about it in some way or another to someone or judged me for not replying straight away anyway.

Oh and if that person was you, all the more reason to be annoyed.

I've been really edgy and irritable these past few days cos of exams, sorry to the people...that I'm actually sorry to. But just to clarify one thing to you, as freaking if I would care enough about your presence being there or not to be depressed because of it. Here's some irony for you; get over yourself.

Try again.

Yeah ok so I was a bit ott last night. But........yeah I was pretty mad. iMad.

Just don't care anymore. Which is why I have no regrets putting it up. If people still have a bone to pick then I have no hope for you. Mind your own business and if you can't, don't go spreading it.

Just everyone let each other live each other's lives. I'm not going to question others, and in return hope that they'd respect my own decisions and privacy.

Last night I had a huge blog craving...like I really wanted to blog and I had things I really wanted to say, but I was too tired and fell asleep...

Tonight...I'm just cbfed.

A few things I can think of fresh in my mind are:

I'm freaking sick of kpop. Or rather I'm sick of the kpop culture at xo. It's sad, but I feel so disillusioned. I just really don't have the motivation anymore. In a way I feel ok about it though, I feel like I have the same thoughts as some people who come to mind, the older ones I think. I think it makes sense, and maybe is just a growing process. This is healthy, maybe. But yeah, no motivation anymore really. The only thing keeping me there now really is the good old stuff and the chance to keep the passion for that alive via my class. But that only works if my class has people no? Yeah good work there...

The only thing I feel slightly bad about right now concerning it is that the exasperation I'm feeling is projecting onto how I talk to and interact with X. I don't mean to, I really should be more patient and polite, but with the way things have been and the way nothing has changed despite 'efforts', both in THAT respect and just day to day, I'm just out of space in my mind to care. I want to try more like Y said we should, give more of a crap, but it's hard to when this whole thing is just sucking more and more out of us and giving us nothing back.

And nothing surprises me anymore.

Actually that's a lie. Some naive part of me still thinks that the past stands for something. And every time I'm sorely mistaken and get slapped in the face. I'm talking about a particular few people. Double freaking standards. And can't keep your freaking noses out of other people's businesses. I trust that R didn't say anything, so now I have no idea what the f you guys are on about, because literally the only people who know what I tell R is R, D and myself. Unlike others, you guys, I don't try to find reasons to talk about it. I've got freaking better things to worry about. But in the case what I said to R actually is the problem, what of it? Apparently it's ok to tell the truth, and that's exactly what I told her. Or is the fact I talked about my FEELINGS a problem? What? It's ok for everyone else but a scandal when I don't? If I tell my subjective side of the story it's lies? FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT IT COMING BACK TO ME NEGATIVELY CAN I?!

Evidently this bothered me a lot. Mostly because YOU had no part in this to begin with, and this all happened and despite you seeming to have a problem with my 'lies' you didn't think to talk to me about it before going and spreading. I don't know if you felt like you had the moral responsibility to pass this 'news' on, and if you intentionally or accidentally twisted it, or if the receiver of the news perceives such as lies, but whatever it is, find something more productive to do than play the loyal messenger please. And what's more if you can't help yourself and feel like amidst your 'busy schedule' you have time to worry about the apparent bitching I'm doing to my friends, then get the facts straight before you go reporting it to other people.

I'd apologise for talking to bluntly and aggressively but right now I'm too frustrated and angry at being accused of things I never did because people couldn't keep their mouth shut about things they don't know crap about.

What I took away from this is:
People are two-faced and have double standards.
No matter how nice of a face people put on when they talk to you, there's always some kind of shittalk going on behind the scenes.
I have better plans for dance and where I want to go with it. I know what I have fun with and that's all that matters. Good company good dance.

Unrelated: It still amazes me how easily D can make me feel better in any situation. He notices things that no one else does and catches on so fast. It makes me feel bad for feeling annoyed or frustrated or upset to begin with cos he brings me back so quickly I feel childlsh for being like that to begin with. Thank you for putting up with my immature tantrums.

Also it be R's bday today. <3 I've written in the letter all that needs to be said, I hope she likes it. So much love for that girl.