Uni sucking the life out of me.

I totally don't have time to blog or write a full reply yet, but I'll just make a note here that I'm going to write the reply here. Well somewhat.

Then I'll decide later if I want to send it.

Although most probably you've already freaking whined about it in some way or another to someone or judged me for not replying straight away anyway.

Oh and if that person was you, all the more reason to be annoyed.

I've been really edgy and irritable these past few days cos of exams, sorry to the people...that I'm actually sorry to. But just to clarify one thing to you, as freaking if I would care enough about your presence being there or not to be depressed because of it. Here's some irony for you; get over yourself.

Try again.

Yeah ok so I was a bit ott last night. But........yeah I was pretty mad. iMad.

Just don't care anymore. Which is why I have no regrets putting it up. If people still have a bone to pick then I have no hope for you. Mind your own business and if you can't, don't go spreading it.

Just everyone let each other live each other's lives. I'm not going to question others, and in return hope that they'd respect my own decisions and privacy.

Last night I had a huge blog craving...like I really wanted to blog and I had things I really wanted to say, but I was too tired and fell asleep...

Tonight...I'm just cbfed.

A few things I can think of fresh in my mind are:

I'm freaking sick of kpop. Or rather I'm sick of the kpop culture at xo. It's sad, but I feel so disillusioned. I just really don't have the motivation anymore. In a way I feel ok about it though, I feel like I have the same thoughts as some people who come to mind, the older ones I think. I think it makes sense, and maybe is just a growing process. This is healthy, maybe. But yeah, no motivation anymore really. The only thing keeping me there now really is the good old stuff and the chance to keep the passion for that alive via my class. But that only works if my class has people no? Yeah good work there...

The only thing I feel slightly bad about right now concerning it is that the exasperation I'm feeling is projecting onto how I talk to and interact with X. I don't mean to, I really should be more patient and polite, but with the way things have been and the way nothing has changed despite 'efforts', both in THAT respect and just day to day, I'm just out of space in my mind to care. I want to try more like Y said we should, give more of a crap, but it's hard to when this whole thing is just sucking more and more out of us and giving us nothing back.

And nothing surprises me anymore.

Actually that's a lie. Some naive part of me still thinks that the past stands for something. And every time I'm sorely mistaken and get slapped in the face. I'm talking about a particular few people. Double freaking standards. And can't keep your freaking noses out of other people's businesses. I trust that R didn't say anything, so now I have no idea what the f you guys are on about, because literally the only people who know what I tell R is R, D and myself. Unlike others, you guys, I don't try to find reasons to talk about it. I've got freaking better things to worry about. But in the case what I said to R actually is the problem, what of it? Apparently it's ok to tell the truth, and that's exactly what I told her. Or is the fact I talked about my FEELINGS a problem? What? It's ok for everyone else but a scandal when I don't? If I tell my subjective side of the story it's lies? FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT IT COMING BACK TO ME NEGATIVELY CAN I?!

Evidently this bothered me a lot. Mostly because YOU had no part in this to begin with, and this all happened and despite you seeming to have a problem with my 'lies' you didn't think to talk to me about it before going and spreading. I don't know if you felt like you had the moral responsibility to pass this 'news' on, and if you intentionally or accidentally twisted it, or if the receiver of the news perceives such as lies, but whatever it is, find something more productive to do than play the loyal messenger please. And what's more if you can't help yourself and feel like amidst your 'busy schedule' you have time to worry about the apparent bitching I'm doing to my friends, then get the facts straight before you go reporting it to other people.

I'd apologise for talking to bluntly and aggressively but right now I'm too frustrated and angry at being accused of things I never did because people couldn't keep their mouth shut about things they don't know crap about.

What I took away from this is:
People are two-faced and have double standards.
No matter how nice of a face people put on when they talk to you, there's always some kind of shittalk going on behind the scenes.
I have better plans for dance and where I want to go with it. I know what I have fun with and that's all that matters. Good company good dance.

Unrelated: It still amazes me how easily D can make me feel better in any situation. He notices things that no one else does and catches on so fast. It makes me feel bad for feeling annoyed or frustrated or upset to begin with cos he brings me back so quickly I feel childlsh for being like that to begin with. Thank you for putting up with my immature tantrums.

Also it be R's bday today. <3 I've written in the letter all that needs to be said, I hope she likes it. So much love for that girl.

Eoddoke?! (not sure if that's how you spell it...)

I still havn't thought of anything!!! WHAT TO DO?!?!?! D; The fact you have something organised makes it all the worse on my end cos I have no idea what to do T_T

I was also thinking today...you're good at like...everything. I'm dead serious, you're better than me at everything and also other things as well. Like, I don't think there's anything you can't do to a certain extent. You're so talented T_T FUAARRR <3 -feels incompetent-

But yeah crap. I still need to do readings for tmr, have no idea what I'm going to make/do =( HALP ME!

Oh yeah unrelated: you are unbelievable. Can you actually be any grosser? It's almost disgusting, don't freaking hit on everything that moves, especially my best friend. Fk bro, inappropriate much.

My turn to be the big boi.

Woman, you can't go on like this.

How are you not eating if you and G are cooking? =\

Bro srsly I'm going to start cooking and driving up with food. And you can't stop me. If you're not there I"ll leave it at your doorstep. Also you need to get that checked out...or have you already? (the shoulder)

-sigh- please take care of yourself.

Chibi

I was watching the Pop Me x2 video after going through Jo's photos cos I felt like I wanted to watch it again (go figure lol).

And I was paying particular attention to J and J. Lol I wonder how j felt like doing a dance like that. It's hard to tell whether he enjoyed it cos the video's so far away, but I imagine that if he went ahead with it he probably did? I think it's quite amazing that he decided to do a kpop showcase, and if it was cos J encouraged him to and it got him out of his comfort zone, then all the more amazing. Respect brudda.

And then I was watching J in the middle. I don't know why, it made me tear up. You've gotten so much better at dancing since we started dancing together, and thinking about it the other day, that was 3 years ago, when I was only 17 and you were only 28. It kind of hit me really hard, cos it made me realise...EVERYONES been together for 3 years. Why does it feel like so much less time? It's scary...cos even though obviously so much has happened, it feels like it all happened very quickly and suddenly here we are 3 years later. "What went wrong?" wouldn't be the right words to use, but rather...where did all that time, those memories and those relationships go? Well, but on second thoughts, I know the ones that good did come out of, and for those I'm very thankful. Which I guess brings me back to J. You were one of the ones I remember first from the crew because of the Change class we took together. I remember that class quite vividly for some reason, as opposed to Wedding dress which we took later on. Your hair was very red back then...I think lol.

But again, back to the point. Watching you in Pop Me x2, watching you dance, and seeing how much you've matured both emotionally, physically and in terms of dance, I really wanted to cry (I don't think it's PMS this time LOL). I think the thought was, I really really enjoy being friends with you, and the thought that you won't be here anymore in 3 months...it made me extremely sad in the moment. We don't see each other for extended periods of time, nor do we talk much outside of when we do see each other cos we're so busy (at least I hope that assumption is correct...). But I know that despite us being so many years apart, and not having much reason to interact much, the few times we've gotten a chance to talk properly are very special to me. You said yourself that you were immature, a long time ago, on that bench in Market City when we exchanged thoughts and secrets. When I think about it, I guess communication was never really a problem for us. In fact, I could probably find the blog post from that day lol. But then that would mean revisiting the old me...which I think I'll save for a day when I feel a bit braver.

Again, BACK TO THE POINT LOL. Even though you're not gone forever (I hope, if all goes well at least), and even though we'll still be able to talk over fb etc, I'm scared that I'll lose that relationship with you. I really respect you and I think I can be myself around you. Your presence is always just there that I think I've taken it for granted especially at the studio. What happens when you leave? 3 years and then poof. It'll honestly be a chunk of the studio gone, to me. I'm just feeling so lost right now for some reason.

Before you go we have to do something fun! Make a cover, the 4 of us maybe? =D Go somewhere fun, just enjoy a day to ourselves maybe in the holidays =D (If you're not too busy cramming your thesis D;). Lunch together is a given =) All I know is that I want to spend a lot of time with you before you go, and perhaps if possible take you to the airport on the day you leave. I think if I do, or I don't, either way I'm going to cry like a baby. I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss you when you leave. I won't say please don't go, because your life is headed for bigger things and you're moving forward, which is wonderful, and I'm so proud of what you've done and achieved in the time you've been with us. Plus you're going home, which is most important I think. But you better come back, cos you're an inspiring person and very warm friend, and a friend I want to keep in my life, as selfish as that sounds xP

As E said, I love you J! (again, I only say that when I mean it so you know I do ;P)




-sigh- now if only I could work up the courage to say that to a certain someone else...

Nichiyoubi tte iina~ nante nai~

Also, yeah. Don't know why I thought it'd be any different. It's so eye-opening it's almost laughable.

Almost.

But of course, then I'd be accused of being spiteful. Which in itself is quite ironic.